Good morning.
I ended up getting into a giant fight with my girlfriend last night, over the issue of whether I have her back on things. We argue fairly regularly, and boy does it feel healthy. Nothing like a juicy argument to keep the love lines open. However, they don't always come at convenient times. And darn it, she's right. I haven't had her back on things. I've disrespected our relationship and disrespected her. Time to change.
So I stayed up too late, wound up too tight, worried, stressed, argumentative and apologetic, and I overslept and missed my morning run. *#&*%$&#!!!! I'm at work, and I'm angry at myself (for what I lack), angry with her (for calling out the best in me), full of acid and feeling headachey.
On the plus side, I didn't eat breakfast. I just stomped out of the apartment this morning, without taking any food.
That'll show her.
(yes, I realize how this sounds)
Wow. Stupid ego of mine. Really likes to louse things up when threatened. I'm standing FAR BACK from my ego on this one. yes. Time to change, and time to pray.
as for the running....I'll run tonight, instead of playing volleyball with my friends. Or maybe I'll run, and then go cheer my friends on. That sounds reasonable. 17 days away. This friggin' marathon is revealing a lot of my personal deficiencies, not the least of which includes poor time management, lack of ownership of my decisions, weak character and poor follow through. yay. WHY did I start running?
But even in the midst of feeling crummy, used, and abused, I still think that without a doubt I have a lovely life. These are nice problems to have. I may not enjoy having to face personal deficiencies in my character, but the opportunity to grow beyond them? Priceless. I hope I can overcome my toughest opponent.
Lord, please wash away my iniquities. Reveal the man inside, and let true character be revealed and strengthened. My ego....please burn it to ash and let it be carried away on a sweet summer breeze.
Take care! This ranks up there as one of my most heartfelt (and personally annoying) posts to date.
Frank
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
(226 pounds) Formerly Fat & Slow, Finally Ready to Go!
Good morning!
I did it! A 5 mile run last night! Unremarkable time of 58:57, but I'm happy all the same (even if I DID feel fat and slow and imagined I had a bellyful of potatoes jostling around). My previous run was last Wednesday, and it's true what they say about losing the edge if you have too many rest days between workouts. 18 days til the marathon. I'm going to allow just a single rest day between runs from here on out.
To that end, I'm taking today off and I'll log my 10 mile run tomorrow morning starting at 5am. And for THAT to happen, I need to be in bed by 9pm tonight.
Which leads to today's dilemma, or what I like to refer to as "a nice problem to have."
I can pop over to my friend's house for an evening of watching "The Biggest Loser" (including lots of good food and snarky comments). I can also spend the night at home getting our apartment in order (including the folding and sorting of 3 baskets of clean laundry).
I'm going to stay at home. My girlfriend's 2-1/2 year old daughter will be with us tonight, and she's such a fun little girl, I want to take the night to straighten up the house and play with her til she falls asleep with a big happy smile on her face. Too often it seems like she's subjected to our schedule and our timelines (last night we brought her to the childcare at the gym during our quick run -- I think she really just wanted to stay home and run around in circles and knock things over and generally be a cute toddler in her own home, covering us with crazy hugs and kisses).
As I said, nice problems to have. :)
Food and nutrition are going well, and I'm journaling my meals again (my little food diary is next to the computer here). I don't know why, but as long as I write down what I'm eating I become very conscious of the quality and amount of food, and better control seems to almost naturally take place. I feel greatly relieved when that happens. It seems like an extraordinarily positive result for something that is relatively easy to do (every time I eat something, I write it down in my book).
My faith life continues to mature. The lesson that came before me this morning was accepting that God's Love is greater than my decisions. I can love without an agenda. What a relief! I've been stressing as to how I can be a good disciple to others, relaying God's message of hope and love, and all without passing judgement or "muddying the message" with my own ego and its opinions. "Love without agenda, and leave the rest to the Holy Spirit" is a wonderful message, especially as it elegantly released me from trying to control everything.
That's been my day so far. I hope your Tuesday is off to a great start.
Take care,
Frank
I did it! A 5 mile run last night! Unremarkable time of 58:57, but I'm happy all the same (even if I DID feel fat and slow and imagined I had a bellyful of potatoes jostling around). My previous run was last Wednesday, and it's true what they say about losing the edge if you have too many rest days between workouts. 18 days til the marathon. I'm going to allow just a single rest day between runs from here on out.
To that end, I'm taking today off and I'll log my 10 mile run tomorrow morning starting at 5am. And for THAT to happen, I need to be in bed by 9pm tonight.
Which leads to today's dilemma, or what I like to refer to as "a nice problem to have."
I can pop over to my friend's house for an evening of watching "The Biggest Loser" (including lots of good food and snarky comments). I can also spend the night at home getting our apartment in order (including the folding and sorting of 3 baskets of clean laundry).
I'm going to stay at home. My girlfriend's 2-1/2 year old daughter will be with us tonight, and she's such a fun little girl, I want to take the night to straighten up the house and play with her til she falls asleep with a big happy smile on her face. Too often it seems like she's subjected to our schedule and our timelines (last night we brought her to the childcare at the gym during our quick run -- I think she really just wanted to stay home and run around in circles and knock things over and generally be a cute toddler in her own home, covering us with crazy hugs and kisses).
As I said, nice problems to have. :)
Food and nutrition are going well, and I'm journaling my meals again (my little food diary is next to the computer here). I don't know why, but as long as I write down what I'm eating I become very conscious of the quality and amount of food, and better control seems to almost naturally take place. I feel greatly relieved when that happens. It seems like an extraordinarily positive result for something that is relatively easy to do (every time I eat something, I write it down in my book).
My faith life continues to mature. The lesson that came before me this morning was accepting that God's Love is greater than my decisions. I can love without an agenda. What a relief! I've been stressing as to how I can be a good disciple to others, relaying God's message of hope and love, and all without passing judgement or "muddying the message" with my own ego and its opinions. "Love without agenda, and leave the rest to the Holy Spirit" is a wonderful message, especially as it elegantly released me from trying to control everything.
That's been my day so far. I hope your Tuesday is off to a great start.
Take care,
Frank
Monday, April 25, 2011
(230#?) I Think I'm Worried
I'm getting nervous.
My first marathon is 19 days away and I seem to have lost interest in running.
well, I've lost interest in my training guide, at least.
Tonight's a running night. I have no idea what I can summon from within, but it feels like a perfect opportunity to "turn this wayward bus around".
I'M SCARED OF RUNNING POORLY.
hmmm. Just typing that has made me feel a bit better. As if I've called out the fear and given it actual (instead of imagined) dimensions.
it's just running.
I think I'll run the "long run week" this week. That means 5 miles today after work, 10 tomorrow morning (before work), rest on Wednesday, 5 on Thursday morning, and then 20 miles on Saturday (outside, weather permitting). If I can log this week's miles (40 miles total) I'll be writing a VERY different post next Monday. :)
19 days to go.
alright..... how does this thing go? oh yeah...... left foot, right foot.....
Have a nice night! I'll report back tomorrow!
Frank
My first marathon is 19 days away and I seem to have lost interest in running.
well, I've lost interest in my training guide, at least.
Tonight's a running night. I have no idea what I can summon from within, but it feels like a perfect opportunity to "turn this wayward bus around".
I'M SCARED OF RUNNING POORLY.
hmmm. Just typing that has made me feel a bit better. As if I've called out the fear and given it actual (instead of imagined) dimensions.
it's just running.
I think I'll run the "long run week" this week. That means 5 miles today after work, 10 tomorrow morning (before work), rest on Wednesday, 5 on Thursday morning, and then 20 miles on Saturday (outside, weather permitting). If I can log this week's miles (40 miles total) I'll be writing a VERY different post next Monday. :)
19 days to go.
alright..... how does this thing go? oh yeah...... left foot, right foot.....
Have a nice night! I'll report back tomorrow!
Frank
Friday, April 22, 2011
(227.5#) Good Friday
...let's not forget our roots.
I'm cleaning the kitchen.
I gained back some of the weight, but it feels right (and I'm lighter than the 229 of 2 days ago). I ate late last night and I would do better to stick to an early(earlier) bedtime.
My investigations are ranging between our food supply, the authenticity of Christ, self realization and our call to achieve our full potential. oh yeah, and training for a marathon, making a serious attempt to shake loose the yoke of fast food, and becoming a more organized person in my personal life.
Out of everything going on, the biggest question seems to be whether to train (run) with an iPod. I love the music and the stories, but running in silence creates a meditative experience for me. I'm going to continue to leave the iPod at home and sit in the silence, instead.
Have a great day! Gotta get back to the dishes.
Frank
I'm cleaning the kitchen.
I gained back some of the weight, but it feels right (and I'm lighter than the 229 of 2 days ago). I ate late last night and I would do better to stick to an early(earlier) bedtime.
My investigations are ranging between our food supply, the authenticity of Christ, self realization and our call to achieve our full potential. oh yeah, and training for a marathon, making a serious attempt to shake loose the yoke of fast food, and becoming a more organized person in my personal life.
Out of everything going on, the biggest question seems to be whether to train (run) with an iPod. I love the music and the stories, but running in silence creates a meditative experience for me. I'm going to continue to leave the iPod at home and sit in the silence, instead.
Have a great day! Gotta get back to the dishes.
Frank
Thursday, April 21, 2011
(223) Create an Indwelling for God
(from a letter to a friend)
please Please PLEASE
Be sure to keep God first.
It's crucial to be clear on the intent behind our actions and thoughts. Intent is key. Are you living your life for God's glory, or for your own?
Keep God first.
and then pour everything into Him, your worries, your stress, your fears and all the things that keep you feeling isolated and alone. God wants you to seek only Him, and to give over all distractions to Him.
A favorite line of mine is: "Search for God the way that a man whose hair is on fire will search for water."
This material world will fade away. It's an illusion. I'm coming to learn that the most important thing we can do is create an indwelling for God in our hearts, so that our family, our friends, and all who meet and interact with us can experience God's love shining through us.
You have been given a good and kind heart, and a spirit that can discern many things. Keep searching for God, and keep Him first in every way.
I'm proud of you.
...for the record, I also find "Keeping God First" to be a personal challenge.
I haven't shared this before, but....I visualize my life force, my ki, my spirit, as a powerful and formless energy. It rises out of the back of my neck like wild kundalini energy. I focus on a person and direct my energy to them. I basically "think it" on its way and my spirit hurtles through time and space to those whom I've asked it to support, comfort, energize and celebrate. It responds to love (expands, actually), and this visualization is a key element in lifting me out of the concerns and fears (and limitations) of the ego.
The thing is, I don't know if I'm doing this for God's glory, or for my own.
I'd like to think I'm treating this ability as a faithful steward. However, the "pretty lights and neon fireworks" of untamed kundalini energy racing out of my body is very cool to picture, and the accompanying thought that "I'm doing good and important works of love and charity" distracts me from the essential point. It's as if the ego wants to slide in and take credit for God's gifts. And then I recall that the ego's purpose is not to support us, but rather to keep us cut off and feeling separate from God and the rest of Creation. When I step back from my ego and it's narrow definition of "self" (an easy mental picture of standing above and behind a fussy child), then I feel as if I'm finally touching on my inner divinity. Keeping it real, as it were (which is funny, considering we're talking about formless thoughts designed to remind us of our interconnectedness to all things).
May God find fertile soil and take root within my heart.
That's my thought for the day.
On the "illusory" side of things, I ran 10 miles last night on the treadmill! Woo Hoo! I feel reconnected and back on track with the marathon training (only 23 days til the big race). I also dropped close to 7 pounds overnight! Mostly fluids, I suspect, but a 2nd successful night of ceasing to eat after 7:30 might have made a difference in the total amount. I'm donating blood tonight, so tonight will be a rest day from running, and the post-donation Oreos will be a sweet treat!
6 cookies, slightly stale, but delicious all the same.
Everything in moderation. Except for God. Can't get enough of Him in my life! And for that, I am truly grateful!
Namaste
Frank
please Please PLEASE
Be sure to keep God first.
It's crucial to be clear on the intent behind our actions and thoughts. Intent is key. Are you living your life for God's glory, or for your own?
Keep God first.
and then pour everything into Him, your worries, your stress, your fears and all the things that keep you feeling isolated and alone. God wants you to seek only Him, and to give over all distractions to Him.
A favorite line of mine is: "Search for God the way that a man whose hair is on fire will search for water."
This material world will fade away. It's an illusion. I'm coming to learn that the most important thing we can do is create an indwelling for God in our hearts, so that our family, our friends, and all who meet and interact with us can experience God's love shining through us.
You have been given a good and kind heart, and a spirit that can discern many things. Keep searching for God, and keep Him first in every way.
I'm proud of you.
...for the record, I also find "Keeping God First" to be a personal challenge.
I haven't shared this before, but....I visualize my life force, my ki, my spirit, as a powerful and formless energy. It rises out of the back of my neck like wild kundalini energy. I focus on a person and direct my energy to them. I basically "think it" on its way and my spirit hurtles through time and space to those whom I've asked it to support, comfort, energize and celebrate. It responds to love (expands, actually), and this visualization is a key element in lifting me out of the concerns and fears (and limitations) of the ego.
The thing is, I don't know if I'm doing this for God's glory, or for my own.
I'd like to think I'm treating this ability as a faithful steward. However, the "pretty lights and neon fireworks" of untamed kundalini energy racing out of my body is very cool to picture, and the accompanying thought that "I'm doing good and important works of love and charity" distracts me from the essential point. It's as if the ego wants to slide in and take credit for God's gifts. And then I recall that the ego's purpose is not to support us, but rather to keep us cut off and feeling separate from God and the rest of Creation. When I step back from my ego and it's narrow definition of "self" (an easy mental picture of standing above and behind a fussy child), then I feel as if I'm finally touching on my inner divinity. Keeping it real, as it were (which is funny, considering we're talking about formless thoughts designed to remind us of our interconnectedness to all things).
May God find fertile soil and take root within my heart.
That's my thought for the day.
On the "illusory" side of things, I ran 10 miles last night on the treadmill! Woo Hoo! I feel reconnected and back on track with the marathon training (only 23 days til the big race). I also dropped close to 7 pounds overnight! Mostly fluids, I suspect, but a 2nd successful night of ceasing to eat after 7:30 might have made a difference in the total amount. I'm donating blood tonight, so tonight will be a rest day from running, and the post-donation Oreos will be a sweet treat!
6 cookies, slightly stale, but delicious all the same.
Everything in moderation. Except for God. Can't get enough of Him in my life! And for that, I am truly grateful!
Namaste
Frank
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
(229) and Soaring High
(my prayer for the day)
Good afternoon, my friend!
It's been much too long. Sit down by the fire, warm your hands and have a cup of tea as we break bread and enjoy each other's company.
It is SO GOOD to be alive, isn't it? I find myself with 24 days until my first marathon and feeling newly focused on the daily running goals (10 miles tonight). I'm one day into a (mostly) plant-based diet with the intent to be a better steward of the body I've been entrusted. I'm overjoyed that I'm writing again! It's lunchtime, and that means crisp spinach, red peppers, rice and beans (along with some chicken; this is a careful transition from my old ways).
in a larger view...
I find myself with more challenges and less money, an unknown future yet greater faith. It's a wonderful combination. For through God all things are possible, and inviting Jesus to indwell within us, why, that just opens up eternity! No wonder I'm laughing so much these days. I feel like the Holy Spirit has just been waiting for me to open the door. Why do we give so much of ourselves over to Fear? No longer... I have recognized my ego and its limitations. I choose instead to soar through the skies, free and light and alive.
And so here I sit, faithful, content, at ease, and also refreshed, renewed and restored. It's going to be a lovely life, lived with eyes and heart wide open.
Thank you. My life is so much more interesting with you in it. More to come.
Frank
Good afternoon, my friend!
It's been much too long. Sit down by the fire, warm your hands and have a cup of tea as we break bread and enjoy each other's company.
It is SO GOOD to be alive, isn't it? I find myself with 24 days until my first marathon and feeling newly focused on the daily running goals (10 miles tonight). I'm one day into a (mostly) plant-based diet with the intent to be a better steward of the body I've been entrusted. I'm overjoyed that I'm writing again! It's lunchtime, and that means crisp spinach, red peppers, rice and beans (along with some chicken; this is a careful transition from my old ways).
in a larger view...
I find myself with more challenges and less money, an unknown future yet greater faith. It's a wonderful combination. For through God all things are possible, and inviting Jesus to indwell within us, why, that just opens up eternity! No wonder I'm laughing so much these days. I feel like the Holy Spirit has just been waiting for me to open the door. Why do we give so much of ourselves over to Fear? No longer... I have recognized my ego and its limitations. I choose instead to soar through the skies, free and light and alive.
And so here I sit, faithful, content, at ease, and also refreshed, renewed and restored. It's going to be a lovely life, lived with eyes and heart wide open.
Thank you. My life is so much more interesting with you in it. More to come.
Frank
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